The tail that wagged so furious, the eyes that shone so bright. Poet Pam Ayres is a bit of a national treasure. "I have the measles and the mumps,A gash, a rash and purple bumps.My mouth is wet, my throat is dry.I'm going blind in my right eye.My tonsils are as big as rocks,I've counted sixteen chicken pox.And there's one more - that's seventeen,And don't you think my face looks green?My leg is cut, my eyes are blue,It might be the instamatic flu.I cough and sneeze and gasp and choke,I'm sure that my left leg is broke.My hip hurts when I move my chin,My belly button's caving in.My back is wrenched, my ankle's sprained,My 'pendix pains each time it rains.My toes are cold, my toes are numb,I have a sliver [splinter] in my thumb.My neck is stiff, my voice is weak,I hardly whisper when I speak.My tongue is filling up my mouth,I think my hair is falling out.My elbow's bent, my spine ain't straight,My temperature is one-o-eight.My brain is shrunk, I cannot hear,There's a hole inside my ear.I have a hangnail, and my heart is ...What? funny; Comments about Goodwill To Men - Give Us Your Money. Roger McGough, I've always loved this oneI STUDIED my tables over and over, and backward and forward, too; But I could n’t remember six times nine, and I did n’t know what to do, Till sister told me to play with my doll, and not to bother my head. Goodwill To Men - Give Us Your Money Poem by Pam Ayres.It was Christmas Eve on a Friday The shops was full of cheer, With tinsel in the windows, In the jingle of her collar and ecstatic doggy smile. "So the manager had to be sent for He came and he said, "What's to do?" We’re seeing a musical play!Though I love all the dancing and know all the songs, All I can think is: ‘Did I turn off my tongs?’Did I turn off the tongs? It’s the silence. Get the right poem for your girl friend or best friend on their birthday and more. This is a list of the Pam Ayres: In Her Own Words. The manager wanted no trouble He took out his purse right away And said, "How much to settle the matter?" The music of her tippy tappy doggy dancing feet. Taken from You Made Me Late Again! ', 'Sling Another Chair Leg on the Fire, Mother' and, … And Pa said "What do you usually pay?" I am a battery hen, on me back theres not a germ, I … So stop awhile and explore here or even let Pam bend your ear for we could all do with her cheer. BBC Radio, September 2018 BIOGRAPHY Pam Ayres has been a writer, broadcaster, and entertainer for over 40 years. PAM AYRES – Poem about the coronavirus. “WOODLAND BURIAL”: a poem by Pam Ayers Don’t lay me in some gloomy churchyard shaded by a wall Where the dust of ancient bones has spread a dryness over all, "So Mr and Mrs RamsbottomQuite rightly, when all's said and doneComplained to the Animal Keeper That the lion had eaten their son. Best if you hear her deliver them - I just love her voice. By Shirleypoppy. I could bite!If I'd known I was paving the way,To cavities, caps and decay,The murder of fiIlin'sInjections and drillin'sI'd have thrown all me sherbet away.So I lay in the old dentist's chair,And I gaze up his nose in despair,And his drill it do whine,In these molars of mine,"Two amalgum," he'll say, "for in there. wearymum200 thank you for reminding me about When Daddy Fell Into The Pond. Read what Mumsnetters thought of Cicaplast B5 repairing balm, Share your tips for keeping your children’s skin comfortable through the winter months, Share your tips for saving on your energy bill with ESB Energy, Talk widget showing discussions of the day & trending threads, Subscribe to Mumsnet emails direct to your inbox. She says that she wrote them to be proclaimed out loud with gusto. I'd rather take bathswith a man-eating shark,or wrestle a lionalone in the dark,eat spinach and liver,pet ten porcupines,than tackle the homeworkmy teacher assigns. He takes it all for granted, but tonight I can relax, For the minute he complains, I shall whop him with the axe. After leaving Faringdon Secondary School at the age of 15, she joined the Civil Service as a clerical assistant and worked at the Army (RAOC) Central Ordnance Depot in Bicester . You see, we are the ‘oldies’ now. Oct 7, 2019 - Explore Brian Prince's board "Poems Pam Ayres", followed by 875 people on Pinterest. Here is a collection of the all-time best famous Pam Ayres poems. How disproportionate; so great a loss for one so small. It's an old-fashioned thing , but I'm a beekeeper, and my dad was a beekeeper, and my granny was a beekeeper. You see, we are the 'oldies' now We need to stay inside If they haven't seen us for a while They'll think we've upped and died. or debate this issue live on our message boards. See more ideas about poetry, funny poems, poems. To think this woman was just being a dick/trying to make things hard for people who are distancing? Would you forgive your boyfriend if he said this to you? Just seen Pam Ayres on Gardeners World and it got me remembering some her of fantastic poems, googled some of them and came across this one. You see, we are the 'oldies' now We need to stay inside If they haven't seen us for a while They'll think we've upped and died. And we’re staring at our watches in frustration. "Click!Then the gardener suddenly slapped his knee,And doubled up, shaking silently,And the ducks all quacked as if they were daftAnd is sounded as if the old drake laughed.O, there wasn't a thing that didn't respondWHENDaddy fell into the pond! And Milligan will always make me smile. You could see that the lion didn't like itFor giving a kind of a rollHe pulled Albert inside the cage with 'im And swallowed the little lad... whole! Oh how I laughed at my Mother’s false teeth, As they foamed in the waters beneath, But now comes the reckonin’. Will I have to keep trying so hard? The tongs were turned off. Share your comments. “This poem seems to be everywhere attributed to me but it isn’t mine,” Ayres tweeted on April 14. ; Sling Another Chair Leg on the Fire, Mother; and, of course, Oh, I Wish I'd Looked After Me Teeth. Oh, Homework!by Jack Prelutsky============ Homework! There was something in the welcome; there was something in her style. You stink! Which of course would make us even later. Her poems take a humorous and honest look at life's pleasures and tribulations and includes such poems as Oh I Wish I'd Looked After me Teeth and Do You Think Bruce Springsteen Would Fancy Me?. The sky was grey.We had nothing to do and nothing to say.We were nearing the end of a dismal day,And there seemed to be nothing beyond,THENDaddy fell into the pond!And everyone's face grew merry and bright,And Timothy danced for sheer delight. Yes, I’ll Marry You by Pam Ayres is one of our favourite wedding poems… “Yes, I’ll marry you, my dear. "Then Mother said, "Right's right, young feller I think it's a shame and a sin For a lion to go and eat Albert And after we've paid to come in!" Pam Ayres on Gardening. Don’t say you’re going to eat another snack. Published: 10:01 AEDT, 13 October 2013 | Updated: 10:01 AEDT, 13 October 2013, With her witty ditties full of humour and heart, Pam Ayres has been one of the nation's favourite poets for four decades. Laughed and cried in equal measure. And if we hear a knocking And it’s creepy and it’s late, I hand you the torch you … I need to help my son choose a poem to learn for year 5 literacy. Pam Ayres celebrates 30 years in show business with her one-woman show which was recorded live at the Everyman Theatre in Cheltenham in 2005. The days are slowly passing since I found her still and prone. * * *They've locked all the doorsand they've put out the bat,Put on their batjamas(They like doing that)They've filled their batwater-bottlesmade their batbeds,With two springy battressesfor sleepy batheads.They're closing red eyesand they're counting black sheep,Batman and Robinare falling asleep. For this new edition Pam has written a general introduction, as well as individual introductions to the poe So, seeking for further amusement They paid and went into the zoo Where they'd lions and tigers and cam-els And old ale and sandwiches too. I will always remember her infectious sense of humour. There's his cap! I loved it as a child but had forgotten it till today. A collection of the poetry of Pam Ayres, this book offers an amalgamation of all her published works. I know shes a patron of the BHWT but didnt know shed written a poem to them. “If you call her ‘Fifty-four’ for a while, you ’ll learn it by heart,” she said. You stink!I wish I could wash youaway in the sink.If only a bombwould explode you to bits.Homework! Now, as my key turns in the lock, the sound I miss the most of all. Enjoy Oh. From which she sprang to terrify all knockers at the door. The 71-year-old poet, comedian, songwriter and presenter first found fame with an appearance on Opportunity Knocks in 1975. Did I flick off the switch? It is blacker than the night. Are the tippy tappy toenails as they skidded down the hall. They’ll think we’ve upped and died. But lately with the virus here we can’t go out the gates. Looking back to Lockdown#1 from Lockdown#2. Always at my journey’s end, when I was flat and lonely. someone's got to be summonsed"So that were decided upon. Oh, homework!I hate you! This poem is related to. We are off for a treat, it’s my birthday today, To London. Said mother as she got the mop: These messy games have got to stop !The Dog - Ogden NashThe truth I do not stretch or shoveWhen I state that the dog is full of love.I've also found, by actual test,A wet dog is the lovingest.My favourite - Ogden NashA Word to Husbands To keep your marriage brimming, With love in the loving cup, Whenever you're wrong, admit it; Whenever you're right, shut up. To tell my friend I don't want her "birthday gift"? How grievous is the emptiness on entering the hall. It’s boiling! Autumn 2020. Pam Ayres is celebrated in the UK (and far beyond) as a favourite radio, TV and stage entertainer; it is impossible to read her comic poems without hearing her voice in your head. There were one great big lion called Wallace His nose were all covered with scarsHe lay in a som-no-lent postureWith the side of his face to the bars.Now Albert had heard about lions How they were ferocious and wildAnd to see Wallace lying so peaceful Well... it didn't seem right to the child. The Works contains 120 of Pam Ayres' best-known poems from the 1970s and 1980s, including The Battery Hen; Please Will You Take Your Children Home Before I Do Them In? About Lockdown – by Pam Ayres I'm normally a social girl I love to meet my mates But lately with the virus here We can't go out the gates. Recent posts by Shirleypoppy. We need laughter in our lives just now and Pam is a master at this. Pam Ayres' Poem Time for us girls I'm normally a social girl I love to meet my mates But lately with the virus here We can't go out the gates. I met her a few years ago at a book launch. Pam Ayres - The Works: The Classic Collection View offer The Works contains 120 of Pam Ayres' best-known poems, including 'The Battery Hen', 'Please Will You Take Your Children Home Before I Do Them In? What's that? THE DOLLY ON THE DUSTCART I'm the dolly on the dustcart, ... Modern children like so much, I'm one of those hard old dollies, What are very cold to touch, Modern dolly's underwear, Leaves me a … Jun 10, 2019 - Verses about everyday things that annoy or delight us all. In her poem Pollen on the Wind, she writes: “I loved it as a friend, but now must learn to dwell apart/ From my home . by Pam Ayres Oh, I wish I'd looked after me teeth, And spotted the perils beneath, All the toffees I chewed, And the sweet sticky food, Oh, I wish I'd looked after me teeth. Next day Elizabeth Wigglesworth, who always acts so proud, Said, “Six times nine is fifty-two,” and I nearly laughed aloud! We are no longer accepting comments on this article. Her things are still around me, I have left them all alone. If I had found indifference in every place I went. No comments have so far been submitted. The 100 best friend poems written by true friends about friendship where you can find the top friendship poems for best friends and a girl friend. A brilliant poem as funny as all her poems are! This is a select list of the best famous Pam Ayres poetry. Is my orchid bent over and starting to choke? Oh, homework!You're last on my list.I simply can't seewhy you even exist.If you just disappearedit would tickle me pink.Homework! It’s like crossing the equator! Pam Ayres was born in 1947 in Berkshire and left Faringdon Secondary Modern School at the age of 15. Jan 1, 2019 - Explore Elizabeth Edgecumbe's board "Pam Ayers - Poetry" on Pinterest. To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account. We could have sailed there, calm and sweet. 10But I wished I had n’t when teacher said, “Now, Dorothy, tell if you can.” For I thought of my doll and—sakes alive!—I answered, “Mary Ann!”, the homework one is looking like a hit at the moment, I remember learning this poem by Shel Silverstein at about that age:"I cannot go to school today"Said little Peggy Ann McKay. Would be appreciae some suggestions. See more ideas about poems, funny poems, verses. Here are some of Pam’s popular poems. But Mother had turned a bit awkward When she thought where her Albert had goneShe said, "No! “It’s by Jan Beaumont.” Indeed, Beaumont originally posted the poem on Facebook on March 27. Well I'm just going to slump, With my dowager's hump And watch myself turn into lard. Featuring a mix of new and classic poems and monologues, Pam’s unique style has made her a firm favourite with audiences both in the UK and throughout the world. Yes, I'm going to kill my husband, I shall have him to be sure, He's never going to curse my navigation any more. Pam is a wonder and her gentle humorous verses will have you chuckling. Pa said, "Yon lion's 'eaten our Albert And 'im in his Sunday clothes, too. Choose a poem They Should Have Asked My Husband Down The Line Yes I’ll Marry You My Dear Woodland Burial What's that you say?You say today is .............. Saturday?G'bye, I'm going out to play!". I switched on BBC Radio 7 purely by chance while in the kitchen this morning, and was rewarded with this: ... poems. For details of Pam’s current and future theatre tours, visit pamayres.com. To order a copy for £14.99, with free p&p, contact the YOU Bookshop on 0844 472 4157 (you-bookshop.co.uk). Read all poems of Pam Ayres and infos about Pam Ayres. Willie Built a Guillotine - by William E Engel Willie built a guillotine, Tried it out on sister Jean. And here’s the reason why: So I can push you out of bed When the baby starts to cry. Well I just cannot say, My ghastliest fears are rampaging away, I fret, while pretending to savour the drive, Are flames licking round my Chanel No 5?And mentally, throughout the show and applause, I check our insurance to look for the clause, That says any payout is shrouded in doubt, If you don’t turn your tongs off before you go out.Is my beautiful bathroom now swirling in smoke? Goodwill To Men - Give Us Your Money by Pam Ayres. With her witty ditties full of humour and heart, Pam Ayres has been one of the nation's favourite poets for four decades. Reading, writing, and enjoying famous Pam Ayres poetry (as well as classical and contemporary poems) is a great past time. Since then she has gone on to perform for Her Majesty The Queen and was made the top 10 of a BBC poll to find the nation's100 favourite comic poems, for her piece Oh, I Wish I'd Looked After Me Teeth. And if I’d had a rotten day, if I was tired and spent. A grand little lad was their AlbertAll dressed in his best; quite a swell 'E'd a stick with an 'orse's 'ead 'andle The finest that Woolworth's could sell.They didn't think much to the oceanThe waves, they was fiddlin' and small There was no wrecks... nobody drownded'Fact, nothing to laugh at, at all. They’ll never know the things we did. You’re blocking out the mirror! See more ideas about poems, verses, funny poems. Mail on Sunday I keep smiling, remembering moments performed by the incredible Pam Ayres at the Curve Theatre Leicester last night. Apr 23, 2014 - 'Seagull' is featured in the brand new collection, You Made Me Late Again by Pam Ayres. Pam Ayres was born in Stanford in the Vale, Berkshire, now administered as part of Oxfordshire. To use this feature subscribe to Mumsnet Premium - get first access to new features see fewer ads, and support Mumsnet. Pa said, "Am I sure? I wish I'd been that much more willin' When I had more tooth there than fillin' To pass up gobstoppers, From respect to me choppers And to buy something else with me shillin'. I'm not going to keep exercising, I'm not going to take HRT, If a toy boy enquires I'll say, "Hah! They will burn through the worktop and into the drawer, If they haven’t already set fire to the floor.I can smell it, can smell the most acrid of pongs, As my carpet dissolves under hot curling tongs, I can hear it, the hiss and the roar and the crackle, An inferno out of my hairdressing tackle.Oh, please, as I twiddled the hair round my face, When every last twiddle was twiddled in place, Did I put the equipment back where it belongs? If they haven’t seen us for a while. The poor old geezer’s driving in a trance! Pam Ayres poems, quotations and biography on Pam Ayres poet page. I wish I'd had more children. But all my careful plans have gone to pot. Pam Ayres, ‘Oh, I Wish I’d Looked After Me Teeth’. Poet Pam Ayres (Image: Loughborough Town Hall). by Pam Ayres, published by Ebury Press, price £16.99. I still love so many Please Mrs Butler and Heard it in the Playground poems. The keeper was quite nice about it He said, "What a nasty mishap Are you sure that it's your lad he's eaten?" . "Give me the camera, quick, oh quick!He's crawling out of the duckweed. Here is a selection from her new collection. "How I laughed at my Mother's false teeth,As they foamed in the waters beneath,But now comes the reckonin'It's me they are beckonin'Oh, I wish I'd looked after me teeth.When Daddy fell into the pond by Alfred NoyesEveryone grumbled. Then Pa, who had seen the occurrence And didn't know what to do nextSaid, "Mother! So straight 'way the brave little feller Not showing a morsel of fearTook 'is stick with the'orse's 'ead 'andle And pushed it in Wallace's ear! . This is page 1 of 1 (This thread has 12 messages.). 16 Nov, 2020. We need to stay inside. A little greasy collar, a yellow rubber bone. Spike Milligan definitely, and I also like this: Goodbat Nightman by Roger McGough God bless all policemenand fighters of crime,May thieves go to jailfor a very long time.They've had a hard dayhelping clean up the town,Now they hang from the mantelpieceboth upside down.A glass of warm bloodand then straight up the stairs,Batman and Robinare saying their prayers. So I lie in the old dentist’s chair, And I gaze up his nose in despair, And his drill it do whine, In these molars of mine, “Two amalgam,” he’ll say, “for in there.”. 18 comments. Here is a selection from her new collection. by Pam Ayres I am going to kill my husband, I have stuck all I can stick, His constant criticising is getting on my wick. It’s the silence. So I took my favorite, Mary Ann (though I thought ’t was a dreadful shame         5To give such a perfectly lovely child such a perfectly horrid name), And I called her my dear little “Fifty-four” a hundred times, till I knew The answer of six times nine as well as the answer of two times two. She had written the foreword to a book written by June Lewis who like her lived in the Cotswolds as we did then. Oh, homework!I hate you! I went to buy a lipstick, and I hoped for some advice, On choosing an attractive shade, to make my face look nice, I stepped up to the counter in my trainers and my mack, But the sales assistant saw me and she vanished out the back.She was absolutely flawless and an advertiser’s dream, She was icy as a glacier and chic in the extreme, I was clearly not the customer that she desired to meet, I could have been some reptile that had crawled in off the street.And I thought I’d find the manager and have a little word, In favour of an altogether craggier old bird, Some game old gal who’s been around the block a time or three, Who is fending off the years and has a waist as thick as me.An understanding confidante with whom you could relax, Who knows the way that lipstick tends to bleed into the cracks, A saviour for those of us who know our youth is past, To show us all the tricks and keep us fighting to the last. A hairy tartan blanket in her basket on the floor. Poets; Poems; Sign Up; Login; POET'S PAGE; POEMS; Pam Ayres. What a woman. Here comes Pam Ayres…and she looks like a cod!’. or debate this issue live on our message boards. Did I turn off the tongs?I’m seeing the ruins, all smoking and black, The fire brigade hoses now useless and slack, The shock on the face of the horrified throngs, At the fate of those failing to turn off their tongs.Much later we sit in the restaurant dim, He’s smiling at me and I’m smiling at him, On this night which has hit him so hard in the pocket, I think: ‘Did I pull the plug out of the socket?’And when we get home and we sigh and we stop, And the day out has been a phenomenal flop, I hurry upstairs where I splutter and scoff, The birthday was ruined. Oh, SIT BACK! We have had a look at a few Spike milligan poems and Edward lear poems. Round they went to the Police Station In front of a Magistrate chapThey told 'im what happened to Albert And proved it by showing his cap.The Magistrate gave his o-pinionThat no-one was really to blame He said that he hoped the Ramsbottoms Would have further sons to their name.At that Mother got proper blazing "And thank you, sir, kindly," said she"What waste all our lives raising childrenTo feed ruddy lions? by Pam Ayres Will I have to be sexy at sixty? Amazon.co.uk: pam ayres poems Select Your Cookie Preferences We use cookies and similar tools to enhance your shopping experience, to provide our services, understand how customers use our services so we can make improvements, and display ads. Not me!". Our friends abandoned hope and went to bed, O Botox, O Botox, I’m ever so keen, To look as I looked at the age of sixteen, Induce paralysis, do as I ask, Give me, O give me a face like a mask.O take up a surgical bicycle pump, And give me some lips that are lovely and plump, Young men will stagger and say ‘Oh my God! THE DOLLY ON THE DUSTCART - Pam Ayres Poems : Poems » pam ayres » the dolly on the dustcart. Yon lions 'et Albert"And Mother said "Eeh, I am vexed! Goodwill To Men - Give Us Your Money by Pam Ayres. The Berkshire-born comic poet Pam Ayres came to the British public’s attention in 1975 when she appeared on the talent show Opportunity Knocks; a string of bestselling volumes of humorous poems followed. Pam Ayres is absolutely essential to British humour. That little dog convinced me I was someone’s one and only. Poetry4kids.com - we were in stitches, especially the one about the toughest baker, My favourite is The Lion and Albert - a monologue originally.There's a famous seaside place called Blackpool,That's noted for fresh-air and fun, And Mr and Mrs Ramsbottom Went there with young Albert their son. Best Famous Pam Ayres Poems. I love to meet my mates. I’m normally a social girl. Why not be the first to send us your thoughts, I’d have thrown all me sherbet away. Homework! Part of the Daily Mail, The Mail on Sunday & Metro Media Group. Homework! Oh, homework!You're giving me fits. Since I took her to the surgery and came back on my own. Dd really likes Please Mrs Butler and Roald Dahl's Revolting Rhymes. For the music it is missing, and my home is incomplete. Driving in a trance met her a few Spike milligan poems and Edward lear poems year. Ayers - poetry '' on Pinterest Playground poems from which she sprang terrify... 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